Wednesday, November 10, 2010
little girl lost
i don't suppose many parents go into it thinking they want their children to turn out badly. do they? i certainly didn't. i've given my child every tool i have to ensure her a proper adulthood. i have given her everything she's ever needed. she's never went hungry, she has blankets to keep her warm, ac to keep her cool, clothes to fit her body, money in her pocket for lunch, a cell phone for contact, a beautiful home to feel safe in and a family that loves her. and in return i get the last 14 years of love and devotion thrown back in my lap with a dirty look and the big f you. i get the teen years suck. i do. i wasn't the best teen out there. i struggled. but dammit i wasn't looking to self destruct at 14 that's for damn sure. my daughter hasn't a clue what "real lifes" about. no insight into reality yet she harms herself by putting chemicals into her body. why? "because i like it" she says. i ground her, talk to her, try to reason with her etc... you name it. done it. do you want me to give up allison? do you want me to say i can't do this anymore, here go live with your dad? is that why i'm treated like yesterdays trash? i swore when i had her and my life changed forever for the better that i would do right by this child. she would do great things, she would have everything she needs. i wanted her to know that i would move heaven and earth for her happiness. now, she's a stranger to me. how do i get her back? does she even want to come back? does she like that we are strangers now? is she happy? i can't handle this. i can't eat, sleep, i can't be in the same room with her. it's too much. it's tearing me apart. i'm at an absolute loss. knowing that i'm not the "only one" is not a comfort. SHE is my ONLY ONE and i can't lose her.
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