little girl lost

i don't suppose many parents go into it thinking they want their children to turn out badly. do they? i certainly didn't. i've given my child every tool i have to ensure her a proper adulthood. i have given her everything she's ever needed. she's never went hungry, she has blankets to keep her warm, ac to keep her cool, clothes to fit her body, money in her pocket for lunch, a cell phone for contact, a beautiful home to feel safe in and a family that loves her. and in return i get the last 14 years of love and devotion thrown back in my lap with a dirty look and the big f you. i get the teen years suck. i do. i wasn't the best teen out there. i struggled. but dammit i wasn't looking to self destruct at 14 that's for damn sure. my daughter hasn't a clue what "real lifes" about. no insight into reality yet she harms herself by putting chemicals into her body. why? "because i like it" she says. i ground her, talk to her, try to reason with her etc... you name it. done it. do you want me to give up allison? do you want me to say i can't do this anymore, here go live with your dad? is that why i'm treated like yesterdays trash? i swore when i had her and my life changed forever for the better that i would do right by this child. she would do great things, she would have everything she needs. i wanted her to know that i would move heaven and earth for her happiness. now, she's a stranger to me. how do i get her back? does she even want to come back? does she like that we are strangers now? is she happy? i can't handle this. i can't eat, sleep, i can't be in the same room with her. it's too much. it's tearing me apart. i'm at an absolute loss. knowing that i'm not the "only one" is not a comfort. SHE is my ONLY ONE and i can't lose her.

insert foot here.

i may be "the" realtor to the stars but i also have this problem with writing how i speak. i'm told it's a good thing because it reflects "me" but i think i lose people from time time on how to interpret me.
my last blog for instance...
i realize i was a rotten spoiled little brat of a teenager. how i ever managed not to drive my parents insane is beyond me. but that being said, i also realize i took advantage of the disadvantage i had at being the youngest. i'm a big girl now so i'm able to categorize my feelings.
but as the baby of the fam i always felt a little left out. not because i wasn't loved but i felt like all the exciting things had already happened to the older ones. we joke and call it the other family.
but of course the "others" weren't privlaged to the trips and luxuries i was either, hence the spoiled brat part.
when i was young i think for a brief period i felt like my mom and dad were worn out by the time i came along, so i put the blame on them that i didn't get to camp or go to whichever beach everyone always talks about. taylor or something?
but what i did get was my parents undivided attention and affection. i was able to see and do things the others couldn't and i enjoyed being the baby sister. still do.
and to make it sound otherwise was not proper on my part.
love you mom.

numb means I can't feel anything.

wouldn't it be nice to never grow old. to never have aches and pains, get fat or wrinkled, stressed out or sad? well that's not real life and the things i do like about life in general is that it presents opportunities and you will win some and lose some. oh, and we only have so long to get it right. since i was a kid i've always thought of 2 people. ritchie valens and buddy holly. i am a fan, yes. but buddy holly always told his dad he knew he would die young and yet ritchie finds his voice, his women and his way and dies young anyway. did one embrace death vs the other. we'll never know. when i was a teen into my early 20's i used to think i would die young. i was almost certain it would be doing something glorious like sky diving or sword fighting. i also didn't think my family would have missed me much. now that i'm grown with a family of my own, i want to live forever. and the scary part is i feel my body revolting against me. and it makes me wonder whats going on that i don't have answers to? i've been numb almost everyday now and and some days my motor skills are affected. there are days when it's difficult to complete thoughts and sentences let alone work. my patience is running low and i'm so easily agitated it's no wonder i can't wait to go to bed, it's the only time when my minds at ease. u of m was kind enough to make me an appt for AUGUST 2ND (no urgency there huh?) so i will suck it up in the meantime.
on the bright side, we head to florida soon and i'm looking forward to decompressing and basking in the sunlight with my family.
knowing that i'll get answers eventually helps, but in the meantime so does liquor.
i certainly feel for those without health insurance or a doctor to take care of them. but if someone would escort me to the front of the line that would be ok too.

I'm reloading, what are you doing?

it's been a while, kids...
i'm thinking about this whole blog concept as a way of self expression and keeping my momma happy. cuz if momma ain't happy... you know the rest.

so i consider myself a realtor to the stars. well, stars in michigan anyway. if you've worked with me i treat like you one so relish it. and kid rock, if your listening... i have a great crib for you. holla at your girl.

in other news, i had this amazing idea to go to the range with a friend today. a nice change of pace really because i usually fly solo. so courtney (yes she's uber famous, all my friends are) wanted to join me. her hubby is one of livonia's finest so we figured this would be a hoot. we decided to meet at the local coffee joint (aka, my second home) so i could give a quick run down on how "hunny" (aka my bad ass 9mm) operates.

mo, the coffee guru said i could take her in the back of the shop (where they store the beans) and show her how it's going to go. all is fine and a-dandy until i look up (hunny in hand) and see a wayne county sherriff staring at us with his hand on HIS piece.

so i gulped and said "holy shit am i in trouble? i was totally showing her how this works before going to the range and it's not loaded(at the moment) " officer brooks smirked and i knew this was it. i'm getting cuffed. my husband is going to be pissed.
then i got a good look at him and said "hey! you were the one that finger printed me when i applied for my cpl, and this is not what it looks like" (yes, it was but whatever)
poor courtney just stood there like a deer (but in designer clothing and a cute pony tail) wondering what HER husband (umm, a cop) would think of this display of stupidity.

then his memory triggered and he said he remembered me and that i was THE realtor to the stars. and i thought, AHA! i'm so not getting arrested now!

however once his smile faded he let me know that he could see me thru the window blah blah blah, even though court was my look out. turns out mo, that little pecker told him to come back and mess with us. and he not only did he do just that, but the guy was an A+ actor.

after my color returned we left, and i told mo i owed him an ass kicking and then it was his turn to gulp. (mission accomplished)
the range was the shiz, courtney should be a sniper should her current career fizzle and i the famous realtor that i am pictured mo's ugly mug when i blew my target to shreds.

and that my friends is my wednesday.